A great man isn’t a perfect man. We can’t expect him to be such, we can’t mould him into what we want. We need to love and accept who he is. We can ask him to do differently, but not that he be different. Doing different is a behaviour, such as how he speaks to you or how he listens. However, we can’t ask him to be different such as be an extrovert if he’s an introvert.
Sometimes, he might not be able to do the things we ask. And that’s OK. What’s important to know is, if he can’t do what you want or need, can you be OK with that? Because if it’s a true need, if you find yourself adapting yourself to keep the relationship going and end up sacrificing your needs because he can’t meet yours, you end up losing yourself and sacrificing yourself.
It’s not his fault.
It’s not yours.
It just isn’t the right fit.
So, as part of the learning process I have come to realise that I haven’t been clear on what I want from a man. And with that I end up falling into relationships, by accident, with men who can’t meet what I need. Towards the end of that relationship, they feel that they aren’t good enough, because they can’t meet all that I ask of them. I end up walking away feeling I’m too much, because what I’m asking for he isn’t able to provide.
The problem started because I wasn’t clear on what I needed.
First off, I want to share with you needs that I have that men haven’t been able to meet which were important to me (yours will be different and that’s OK).
I love being sociable, going out meeting new people and dancing. Federico was more of a one-to-one conversationalist, and as much as I enjoyed that about him, I wanted to go out and be with someone who could move their body freely to music. Who I could share nights out with - it wasn’t about going out and drinking (I don’t drink). It was about the aliveness I feel that I want to share with someone else when I dance. It’s one of the reasons I took up salsa, to learn to be in that. Federico though, would move like a plank, uncomfortably shuffling his feet right to left. Self-conscious and self-aware. I would go out occasionally with friends. I could sometimes persuade him to come to social events, but it was always a pull and I felt like I was baby-sitting him. It left a dead weight in my heart and dimmed my radiance.
It wasn’t him, and that’s OK.
Another thing about Federico is that he didn’t have the ‘get up and go’ energy that I saw in myself that I liked. The energy of ‘let’s go on an adventure and do something new’. He didn’t use his initiative for activities or days out. He knew what he liked and would stick with that.
I felt my sense of adventure was being stifled.
We separated.
I met Will, extremely sociable, could take him anywhere to speak to anyone and people loved him!
Will has a very much a ‘get up and go’ attitude and uses his initiative. For my first birthday while we were together he knew I was learning Burlesque so as a surprise booked to watch a Burlesque show. He would suggest places to go and things to do - my life felt full of adventure.
The boxes were ticked that had been missing with Federico.
I remember sharing with Will quite early on that my friends saw my self-awareness as a super power. I would frequently share those parts of myself with those closest to me. The learnings I discovered about myself. The realisations around behaviour. I remember him telling me this was amazing.
As time passed, my sharing of my realisations, especially when in relation to our relationship became a trigger. ‘If you are aware of it then you shouldn’t be doing it’. However, I was sharing something new in my awareness and hadn’t had time to ‘correct it’ - and even when we can do something better, maximum is probably 90% of the time and the 10% you need to get good at repair when you do drop back into an old pattern by mistake.
I felt silenced, that I couldn’t share who I was. It felt like such a big part of my identity - especially as my sharing (as it does through my writing) supports so many people. To me it was my gift. For Will it was too much. During the relationship I had blamed him and thought him to be the problem. After all, what I was asking of him, Federico had been able to do.
The realisation is though, is that everyone is different. The task is to accept the reality as it is. Something that I learnt on a recent Vipassana meditation course. How can I fully accept the man in front of me? How can we say to ourselves, if they never do this differently then I will be OK?
Sometimes the truth is, we do actually need them to do differently and if it isn’t in their make-up to do differently then we need to ask ourselves - if staying with this person means I am going to change who I am to keep it - is this a sacrifice I want to pay?
What I found for myself was that it ended up building anger and resentment with Will. The continued repression of myself, of my sharing, of being fully me felt like I had put a lid on and hidden myself. It felt like the insides of me were rotting with resentment.
And it wasn’t his fault.
It wasn’t even mine.
It was just that - we weren’t the right fit.
So what have I learnt now regarding my needs? What is it that I need from a man? Here's my list...
I need someone who wants to get married. It’s not about having a legal commitment. For me it’s more a commitment ceremony where we commit to growing with each other and loving each other. Where we ask friends and family to create a container of accountability for us to show up in that way. Plus, I like a party so a party to celebrate the commitment. White dress not needed.
I need someone who is sociable and willing to try new environments. Due to my work I go to lots of different events both business and self-development and I need a partner who can hold his own in those environments, who can work through the room himself, use his initiative and introduce me to people he thinks would be a good fit.
I need someone I can share my insecurities with and he holds them and knows that they have nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me and my patterns and traumas. I need him to just be there, and love me through it - I will go away and support myself in that.
I need someone who has my back, who isn’t afraid of potential conflict to stand up to me (I’m a strong character, and although I might ask for things to go my way, I actually don’t if it’s not the truth of my partner. His ‘no’ means I can trust his ‘yes’). I also need to feel protected and that he could stand up for me.
I need someone who fully supports the work I do. A woman talking about sex, especially with male clients can be really triggering for some men. They don’t want their partners talking to strange men about their ‘performance’. Also there are men who feel intimidated and not enough from a woman’s ability to express her desires in the bedroom. There are men, although they like the idea of a woman in touch with her sexual energy, feel triggered by that. I want a man that doesn’t feel uncomfortable with my sexual expression so I don’t end up feeling shame. I want him to celebrate my sexuality.
I need a partner I can have conversations with which are uncomfortable and for him to lean into the discomfort. For us listen to each other’s perspectives to try to understand them and then find a solution.
I need a partner who likes adventure. Visiting new places, doing new things. Someone who isn’t afraid of getting uncomfortable (except heights and tight spaces - I’m not too keen on those he can do that by himself - rollercoasters are OK though, I may be persuaded to try a skydive).
I need a partner I can share all of my learnings about myself on my own journey of self-development. He doesn’t need to do anything with it - just be in awe of my enthusiasm and guide me back to self-compassion when I beat myself up for not knowing sooner or not doing better sooner. I want a man who understands that when I share my own learnings around my maladaptive coping mechanisms in relationship that he doesn’t see it as a personal attack and can see that I’m talking about me, it has nothing to do with him.
I need to hear about his internal world. Not necessarily as much as I need to share to share mine. But I do need to hear his fears, worries, and not just the surface stuff, the deeper parts of him - for me that builds connection.
I need a partner who wants to build a relationship with my children and get on with my ex-husband and our unusual living arrangement. If he has children I want him to also look for solutions on how our two families can blend.
I need a partner who isn’t afraid to call me out on my bullshit (in a loving way). I can only take a client as far as I have taken myself, so my growth is a continuous development. I need a partner who is going to see my blind spots and isn’t afraid to let me know - with love and compassion (did I mention it needs to be done with love).
I need a partner who wants to explore sex. Who wants to try new things, go to different workshops and really get curious about where physical intimacy can go. I have recently started being able to feel sexual energy of a sexual partner during intercourse and I want to play around with that. I want my future partner to want to do that too. I want it not just be me looking for workshops and do the reading - I want for him to have an interest and curiosity too.
I need my partner to have a mission. A purpose. Something that he wants to bring to the world and create. Because I want to support someone in that. I want to be the person he shares his excitement with, his fears, his ideas with, ask my advice, we brainstorm together. I need to be a part of his life in that way (but not necessarily involved day-to-day - simply being his cheerleader works for me too).
I need a partner who is fun and playful. I can get quite serious - about anything. And I need someone who brings me back to playfulness, who teases me, wrestles me, makes light-hearted fun of me and makes me laugh - a lot.
And when it comes to my love languages…
I need physical affection. I need someone who isn’t afraid to kiss me and hug me in public. Who reaches out to hold my hand. Who guides me with his hand gently on my lower back through a space.
I need words of affirmation. I need to hear what he loves about me, what he admires.
I need gifts. I don’t mean of the fancy kind. I mean, he saw something in a shop as he was passing by and though I might like it. That he notices the things I talk about or get excited about. He knows my favourite chocolate and grabs some while he was in the supermarket because he was thinking I might like it. It’s the smaller gestures that mean the most.
And I want to know what his love languages are too. So I can show up in a way that helps him to feel loved and cared for.
Wow! This process has felt so good to write down. To get clear on. To tune into. I notice in my body an aliveness. A sense of positivity. A knowing that what I want I can get. Because all of the things I’ve described, I have had from different partners, so I know men can be that or do that. It’s just I haven’t met one yet who can do or be it all - either naturally or with a desire to meet those needs).
My past relationships have become a lesson, to a greater understanding of what I want. My future partner will have had the same journey too. Being in relationships where they couldn’t show up in a particular way but with the needs I describe they light him up because he wants to be that, or, some of them he can already do with ease.
And I know some of you reading this will be thinking - she’s asking too much. What’s the alternative? The longer I stay in something that doesn’t serve me, the longer I take to find the man I want. Another alternative is singledom - I have created for myself a life I really love and have a great network of friends and colleagues who celebrate me personally and professionally. Singledom wouldn’t be a bad thing when you look at the last option. The last option is to turn and twist myself into pretzel and build up anger and resentment for another human being who wants to love me but can’t do it in the way I need. I don’t want that for them. And I don’t want that for me.
So now the invitation is to you… what do you want?
Are you wanting a relationship? Children? Marriage?
What do you want from the relationship? Who do you need them to be in specific situations? Take a look back at your previous relationships, what was missing that was really important to you and what is essential for you to have? What did one person give you that another didn't and you missed?
How were you twisting and changing to be approved by someone who couldn’t meet you in the way you needed? And the next time you meet a man who could be a potential partner find out if they can offer what you need. Don’t forget though, a great man doesn’t need to be a perfect man, he just needs to want to meet your needs and you need to want to meet his.
Because staying with someone who can’t give you those things creates a pain inside you and a deep feeling of being too much.
When you aren’t that at all.
You are exactly who you need to be, you just haven’t met your person yet.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other resources which are supportive around this topic are:
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