***UPDATE: on 27th August I have stopped this process. Right now I am currently integrating recent events and my current situation and will share all of this in another article in due course.
***Original article....
On 13th August I made a decision.
For a year I will take a pause in sex and relationships. This is a pause in my own personal journey - I will still be supporting others in theirs.
The idea of sexual and relationship ‘detoxing’ originally entered my sphere back in April when I approached Craig White, a colleague and Men’s Leadership coach for some guidance regarding some struggles I was having in my relationship. During that call he talked about himself and a colleague doing a ‘feminine detox’. He acknowledged that the idea of this process originally came from John Wineland who calls it a 'Feminine Cleanse', and it is what Craig is calling ‘The Sacred Pause’. I asked a few questions about what he was doing and why and thought it was intriguing and it left my consciousness.
Recently, when I broke up with my partner of 2 years, another colleague, female this time, was sharing in a voice note a personal situation and mentioned she was celibate and had been for 2 years.
The next day I went to meet up with a friend who shared he had also recently decided that for the foreseeable future he was going to be celibate. That he was leaving his job, having a spiritual cleanse in the month of August, and a literal physical one (when I turned up at his house he was vacuuming the stairs and had all his cans in his cupboard organised in neat rows). He shared that relationships, sex, hook ups - basically his attention to women, were keeping him distracted from his purpose.
These conversations had me thinking. That maybe they were onto something. Maybe I could do this for a year.
Towards the end of my marriage a couple of years ago I had been non-monogamous for about 2 years. During that time of non-monogamy I had worn the badge of ‘earned secure’ in my attachment style. Communication between me and my then husband was the best it had ever been. I had high self-worth. I felt safe to share in the relationship my feelings. I had learnt to ask for what I wanted. I was better at boundaries. When he went on dates or we went to a play party I felt safe and there was not the fear of abandonment. I had felt pretty good.
Entering a new relationship 2 years ago with very different dynamics, my old anxious attachment patterns began to resurface. Looking back now I see where at the time there were signs of me self-abandoning, not being clear on needs, not being clear on what I wanted, letting things go that bothered me for the sake of peace. I stopped using my voice. I ended up staying longer than I should have done when those things I wanted weren’t there and when I didn't speak my truth. I found myself transforming from this powerful radiant woman I once was into an insecure, low self-worth woman fearful and unsure of the future.
I hadn’t held true to who I was.
All the self-development work I had done felt like it was beginning to unravel. I felt like I was going backwards.
The triggers we experience in relationship teach us about who we are. I had always been one to share my journey of my feelings, my triggers, my desires, my self-awareness with friends and my ex-husband - who all saw this as an admirable quality to have. My ex-partner wasn’t as comfortable with this and instead of staying in my truth that this is a positive thing about me and that ‘my tribe value this’ I began to feel that somewhere along the line I was broken. I had quietened my voice and stopped fully sharing all of who I was.
We ended up in conflict that never got resolved and would move into the next conflict, Resentment built on both sides.
I found I was trying and pushing for change.
Instead what I needed to do was accept.
And so I did.
And with acceptance I acknowledged that he didn't need to do differently but the relationship we had co-created wasn’t the one I wanted, it was time to let it go.
With recognition of all of this and the way I had changed who I was to make the relationship ‘work’ what had ended up happening was that the relationship was no longer fulfilling me, the question then became, ‘what can I do to stop this happening in the future?’
What became clear to me was needing to take a break from sex and relationships.
This isn’t just ‘I’m not going to date for a while’, or ‘I’m going to put it dating on the back burner’ (while unconsciously making myself available in the hope that someone might choose me).
This is a conscious and intentional container I’m creating for myself with intentions, principles and focus with a clear timeframe.
What I am creating here is a focus on reconnecting to my own pleasure, power and play but holding all of that for myself. As a means of self-love.
By choosing during this time who or what I WON’T be connecting with or engaging in, once the detox is over I will then have clarity on who or what I DO want to connect with and engage in.
Which is why I like Craig’s naming of this as ‘The Sacred Pause’ (phrase originally coined by Tara Brach). A Sacred Pause is described on her website as…
“When we are lost in the trance of doing, our lives are on automatic, and contracted by sense that something’s wrong or missing. The challenges of learning to pause, and the blessings that arise when we step out of our incessant mental and physical activity and reconnect with the being-qualities of presence, wisdom and love.
The deepest expression of love is this non-doing presence because that’s when we are inhabiting who we really are.”
I’m going to share with you now my process which will allow you to fully understand why this is a ‘Sacred Pause’ and not just a break.
Intentions
My intention here is my ‘why’. Why am I doing this? What do I want to experience and get from this?
Making the unconscious, conscious
Firstly it’s to uncover patterns of the reason I go into relationship. Due to my attachment style there is this idea of wanting to be ‘whole’, to find my ‘other half’, someone that ‘completes me’. In fact, I am whole already as I am. In my last relationship I had let my interests go in the quest for that relationship and to see my partner. I had stopped showing up as the person I was because I was worried I was too much. I had started to be distracted from my work to keep the relationship going. I had adapted to ‘fit in’, to be loved, to be chosen. There for sure will be other patterns that show up during this time. Being present, mindful of how I respond to men and their interest will bring further cues as to what other unhealed parts there are.
I want to heal my relationship to women
I had been a really strong force and power in the rise of women while also being able to hold space so tenderly for the men coming into my practice. I re-read recently a post I had written a few years ago about me spreading love to any woman I met on the street. And I realised I had stopped doing it. For various things that were happening in the relationship I had started comparing myself to other women. Started looking around me and not feeling enough. Started to see other women as a threat. The idea of competing against other women was starting to seep back in. It felt uncomfortable and unsettling to re-read my article and realise that. A couple of years previously I had so much love for other women’s beauty, success, and desires - I wanted to have that back. To reconnect and support women to rise again.
Know I am whole without relationships
Looking back I realised that much of my worth was coming from attention and validation from previous relationships or from men around me - flirting with men when I was non-monogamous, dressing with the intention of keeping my partner’s interest in me while we were out, choosing clothes and acting in ways that would gain other people’s approval. With a southern Italian heritage there was much talk when I was younger, both in the family and with people of similar descent, of when I would get married, when I would have children and much of my worth and value as a woman was tied to being a suitable wife and mother - saying and doing the right things to be chosen by a man. It has come to my awareness over the past couple of years that there has been a constant search outside of myself for validation - an external search to feel wanted, desired and loved - the next year will be learning how to give that to myself.
Trust
I’m going to learn to trust myself. That I can stay in my own lane, grow to know myself as a human being. I am going to strip back the layers so that I can ground into who I am and what I want in my life as a whole and also what I want in relationship and how I want all of that to FEEL. So that once the detox is over I have clarity around it and can call it in. The trust is also that I trust myself, my own decisions and by having discipline, knowing I can stay in my own lane with full love for myself, and not be in the dance of chameleon so that I am 'chosen'. Choosing someone who fully accepts me for who I am and wants the same things.
Intimacy with self
During this time my self-pleasure practices will be in dedication to self-love. Towards the end of my last relationship I was beginning to feel my partner’s sexual turn on and energy when he was inside me and as he orgasmed I could feel it move through my pelvis. As my connection with my sexual energy deepens, playing around more with sexual energy and learning even more about my body, what it desires and what my needs are in a loving and nurturing way. This will help me to really connect to my inner-desires so after the detox I will be clearer on aligning with a man who matches my desires sexually, who wants to explore, get playful and curious and we can experience erotic growth together.
Support
To support me with my intentions I will continue my work with my somatic/attachment coach as I continue to explore, unravel and heal. She is great at calling me out when I self-abandon, when I miss my blind spots and when I haven’t shown up in the healthiest ways. I am also committing to attending workshops and retreats to deepen my connection with myself and women in community.
Principles
‘Principles’ are the agreements and conditions I am creating for myself. What do I mean by ‘detox’? Where is the focus of what I will and won’t do…?
1 year - last day of detox 12th August 2025
Accountability partner - I have a friend joining me in this
No dating
No sex
No relationships
No looking for the sexual, flirty attention of men from social media, in person, through messages or anywhere else
No ‘predator flirting’ (flirting with the intention to get someone’s interest)
Noticing when I get pulled into acting, dressing, talking for a man’s attention (and other people's approval)
Deepening my relationship to myself as per my intentions
Focus
I believe that energetically when we remove something from our lives it creates a void. It is important to be intentional with how we want to fill that void so I have created ‘focus’ for that. Mine are…
Focusing on myself and my intentions to improve connection to myself and others
Focusing on building my relationship to my children
Focusing on my ‘purpose’ - supporting others through my work.
How do I feel about this?
I have always been in relationships with men. I have only had experiences with women in a group setting but never a romantic one. I noticed that while creating the principles I was just going to include men and call it a ‘masculine detox’. I immediately noticed that there could still be the risk with women of creating attachment to them and seeking external validation either romantically or sexaully to fill a 'void'. So all romantic and sexual interactions with anyone became a ‘no’.
I want to get clear on who I am so that the next relationship I can bring to my conscious awareness if I begin to change who I am or notice if I start feeling differently (less empowered and confident) I can then ask the question ‘Is there something I need to bring to my partner for us to explore together, or is it just not the right relationship?’
If I’m honest there is fear coming up for me. Much of it in relation to what I have already shared.
Fear that during this time the ‘right man’ might come along and because I’m taking this time out he passes me by. (This comes from my fear of lack and there not being enough men in the dating pool. As my colleagues and friends reflected back to me, the type of man I deserve is the type who sees this detox for what it is and is in awe and would wait to be with me. What is meant for us will not pass us by.)
Fear that I had just started to be able to feel another person’s sexual energy and will that still be there in a year (I’m sure it will but the ego can play tricks on us!)
Fear that my ex moves on and finds someone else and everyone looks at me as ‘unwanted, ‘left on the scrapheap’. (Again these are stories from my Southern Italian heritage that my worth as a woman is in relationship and the success of a relationship is down to a woman’s behaviour only.)
Fear that it is too long. That I’m in my 40s and have limited time to find the right person and I’m wasting time doing this. (Instead I would prefer to wait for the right man than continue to move from one wrong relationship to the next. Doing this consciously for a year is showing myself with consistent somatic awareness that I can show up for myself time and time again. So that in the future in a relationship that doesn’t meet my needs, I can choose to leave it sooner because I have created the skill of showing up for myself.)
Fear that I might quit sooner due to temptation or because I don’t want to ‘miss out’ on someone or an opportunity (This is connected to the other fears stated above).
However, when it comes to fear, it’s meeting those parts of ourselves that oftentimes we need to do to be able to move forward. A little discomfort to reach the growth.
And what about you?
The below suggestions of principles aren’t relevant for me, however I know that these are being used by men who are consciously choosing a ‘feminine detox’…
Stop using porn (comes from outsourcing your sexual energy and desires and allowing yourself to get distracted by sex or the opposite sex)
Stop following attractive people on social media (again, this is outsourcing sexual energy and desire onto others and has the potential to lose focus)
Masturbation as an act of self-pleasure rather than to release the day, knock one out, release sexual energy from something that turned you on
The above is to bring awareness to sexual urges, outsourcing sexual energy, objectification of women and instant gratification hits - some men can feel almost controlled by these.
I would love to hear from you, have you done this or are doing something similar? Have you been inspired and thinking of trying this? Let me know and drop me an email - hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other resources which are supportive around this topic are:
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