There are a lot of women right now leaving their partners and husbands (or thinking about it).
What’s the biggest reason I find when speaking to them? Their partner’s emotional immaturity.
I want to be clear that women can be emotionally immature too. So even though I write here about women’s experiences, including my own, know that if you’re a man reading this, it’s possible that you may also resonate with some of what’s written here and see that you too are with an emotionally immature partner. I’m writing this article due to the increasing number of women leaving their partners for this very reason. Im helping them to feel validated and it isn’t just in their heads, for them to know that they aren’t alone, and they don’t need to settle for bad treatment.
What does emotional immaturity look like?
They dismiss you and your feelings when you bring a hurt to them - may tell you you can’t take a joke, it’s only banter, you’re so sensitive, you’re so uptight
They can’t listen to constructive feedback - they take it as criticism or you are making him wrong
When you ask for something it triggers in him shame and feelings of not good enough and they may blame you for ‘conflict’
They withdraw or give you the silent treatment
Become reactive and/or angry
Resorting to name calling
Sulks
Sees your feelings as over emotional, sensitive
Plays victim by saying how ‘bad he is and how much of a terrible partner’ he is
When flaws are pointed out he thinks he’s being shamed or under-appreciated ‘after all I’ve done for you’, ‘yes, I’m such a terrible person’
He is defensive
Critical of you, especially for bringing wants and setting boundaries
Analyses your feelings instead of listening with an open heart
Talks over you
Takes everything personally
Can make offensive comments/be passive aggressive/state their opinion when it isn’t wanted
He tells you you’re being ‘needy’ for a request that is acceptable
Stonewalling - they shut down a conversation
Your feelings are never fully addressed
Your perspective continues to be denied
He struggles to apologise or take ownership for their actions
For the women reading this who are like ‘this is my partner’ what you are understanding is that the main issue with someone who is emotionally immature is that the relationship can’t evolve. If two people aren’t willing to listen to each other, listen to a different perspective and support each other with love, how can they move the relationship forward?
They can’t. Which is why for those who are with a person who is emotionally immature the question then becomes, ‘if I can’t evolve in this relationship and the other isn’t coming with me, am I better to leave?’ This is why there are so many women at the moment speaking to me about their desire to leave a relationship or questioning it.
Who is this happening to?
I see the women are in two camps - one who has been with their partner long term and other women who have been with them a few short years/months.
So for those of you who have been with them for years and are only now feeling this it’s likely because you have been working on yourself and you know how to communicate. You have a vision for your relationship and where it can go and you want them to meet you there. You have higher self worth and know what you deserve and realise that having left old relationships such as friendships, toxic work environments or other, that you get to choose who you spend time with based on how you feel. Now you’re questioning whether the treatment you’re currently receiving from your partner is what you want long-term. So why haven’t you already left? There’s feelings of we have been together so long, we have children together, we have this vision or plan financially, where would I live, I don’t want to be alone, etc My invitation is to reflect. Is this serving your highest good?
If it’s been a short term relationship, why are you still there - because you over empathise with his struggles and difficulties and ‘allow’ his behaviour because you see the inner-child wounding. You understand the difficulties in his life. His pain. And you can see the man he is deep down. Maybe sometimes he can on occasion show up in an emotionally mature way, so you stick around hoping. Maybe you see that in fact he has been making changes since you have been together, things are improving, but there is still this one piece.
What we also have to be aware of is that the landscape of relationships has very much changed since our parents’ and grandparents’ time. Marriage was more for financial agreement and security, now women can, for the most part, provide that for themselves. What women are looking for is a man they can grow and evolve with - emotionally, intimately. It’s a difficult time for men with this change as they figure out who they are and how they can provide differently that isn’t financial. Especially in a world that tells boys to ‘man up’, ‘don’t show your emotions’, ‘boys don’t cry’… men are really struggling to be with their own emotions which is why they then struggle to be with yours.
Although you now have this knowledge, it doesn’t mean you need to be the one who changes him. It’s for him to make that move for himself. A man who changes for someone else and not for himself can’t sustain it. He needs to want to show up better for his own sake. There needs to be a burning desire, like you have for yourself, that he too wants to take a look at how he shows up and does differently.
In a relationship with an emotionally immature man, over time you share less and less due to fear of the reaction. For me it caused huge anxiety. I talk here and here that for me to overcome chronic anxiety I discovered that sharing with my then husband how I felt (without his judgement, need to fix) actually was one of the things to help me overcome chronic anxiety (there were some other tools too).
What happens to us when we are with emotionally immature partners?
Women fawn and try to please or completely freeze in moments of a man’s anger or reactivity. I know for myself in relationships where my partner has been reactive my body has either frozen, so I can’t think properly and go numb mentally and physically. Alternatively I would respond by offering to do things to appease him (fawn) or do things I didn’t really want to do and then regret it later. I would then feel resentful because it wasn’t what I actually wanted. Then when I tried to get out of it, he would then get more frustrated and reactive. What would then happen is as I’m coming out of this ‘immobilisation’ response I would then move into a fight/flight response feeling weepy, irritable (with my kids, not him) and generally feeling on edge.
Some women go into a fight or flight response and may argue back causing more reactivity on his part. The relationship on the outside looks toxic. Some women also run - so they withdraw, retreat and avoid conflict.
Why are some men like this?
They perceive most things as criticism
Highly defensive
Deflective - turn the discussion back onto what you did or didn’t do
Unable to see a perspective outside of their own
Highly avoidant
Have low self-esteem/self-worth that they try to hide from the world
Are responding from feelings of shame and guilt
What they think they hear and what you are saying are very different due to their perception of self
You can’t make them do the work. They need to do it for themselves. Sometimes the best way you can love someone is to walk away - for yourself too.
Signs you’re in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature:
How you might be responding emotionally (some are connected to your attachment style and so not everyone has all of these):
Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells
Withdraws time, affection, money or other as a form of punishment for you creating conflict, upsetting him, etc
Feeling too much (for asking for what you want)
Feeling not good enough (because they blame you for the conflict and problems
Low self-worth
You doubt your ability to be single or in another relationship (taking the blame for not being able to talk)
Withdrawing time from your partner (avoidant attachment style), or taking all the responsibility and twisting yourself into a pretzel to change (anxious attachment style)
During pre-menstrual phase you will feel extremely ‘irrational’, weepy, lower self-worth, etc, PMS is heightened
Anxiety
Depression
Avoid bringing up conversations and hold it all in
You don’t know how they are going to respond to anything you bring
You don’t feel safe (you know logically that your partner would never hurt you physically but your body feels unsafe in their presence)
When you receive a text message or see them calling you can worry what they are going to say
When you get home you aren’t sure what mood they’re going to be in
You use sex as a way to reconnect (anxious attachment style) or completely withdraw from sex and physical affection (avoidant attachment style)
You tell ‘white lies’ to ‘keep the peace'
Physical responses:
Due to the stress of being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally immature you can experience some or all of the following physical symptoms:
Hair loss
Gain extra weight, particularly on the tummy, or find it difficult to lose weight
Tiredness/exhaustion
Sleep issues/insomnia
Low libido
Low desire
Your periods are irregular and/or change to maybe heavier or lighter
Painful sex (because you fear communicating boundaries or desires to get you aroused for penetration, your body is saying no even if you aren’t)
Digestive issues - constipation/diarrhoea/IBS
If you have been in this situation for a period of time you may be experiencing an autoimmune disorder (as the body’s way of shutting down and creating a boundary such as MS, ME, CFS, fibromyalgia, skin rashes, etc)
So now we know all of the things an emotionally immature partner does and how we might be responding to that, what does an emotionally mature partner do?
He is willing to talk about issues without blame
Will listen to your perspective
Looks for a solution with you if one needs to be found
You feel free to share ideas, thoughts and emotions. You are able to feel free to
He is good at listening
Is willing to take feedback
Sees conflict as an opportunity for growth and understanding each other better
Is willing to apologise for harm caused, even if his words or actions were unintentional in causing harm
Will ask for space if they are feeling overwhelmed and share how long they need, when they can return to a conversation
Can stay calm and grounded in a conversation that can be potentially triggering
Willing to be held accountable
Is responsible for his words and actions
Chooses to reflect on himself to understand the areas he can grow to show up better in the relationship and life in general
If any of this article is resonating, I know that you can feel at times that maybe it’s in your head. That you think of the ‘good times’ together. You may be looking at his potential, focusing on the steps he has already taken and that is sign enough that he is moving in the right direction. However, sometimes, being with someone who behaves that way, that can’t slow down or reflect, by staying with them we are in fact enabling their behaviour.
Maybe you have recently been looking at how you could do better. Maybe you feel like you can’t do better or find someone better. Maybe you continue to look at ways to communicate ‘better’, do differently, that ‘maybe if I just…’ things would change. Where do you find your thoughts going about him and your relationship? What are you ruminating over? What does your journal have in it? Is his inability to show up a constant theme in your journal, life and conversations with friends?
My invitation to you is to take a look at your mental and physical health right now. Is this what you really want for yourself? If you have children, is this what you want them to see? What you are showing them a relationship looks like? Knowing that when they grow up they have learnt what a relationship looks like by watching you. If you saw your friend in this situation what would you want to say to them?
I know the prospect of leaving can feel scary. On the other side of that is grief - without a doubt. There has been an attachment formed, we’re human beings - of course you will miss him.
On the other side of that is also a sense of freedom. Of self-love, of an opening in your body and a confidence within yourself, a trust that you have created. You trust yourself to make decisions for your highest good. And the learning from it all is… now that you know what emotional maturity looks like (and doesn’t), when you choose to enter a new relationship, you know exactly what you need from the other person.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other resources which are supportive around this topic are:
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