I’ve written a little about it before and done a talk on it. My journey in my relationship to men.
In my teenage years and my 20s I really prided myself on being someone who ‘didn’t need men’. I also engaged in much feminist writing that showed that it was only a matter of time before men would become completely unnecessary - they were beginning to show ways that an egg could be fertilised with another egg. It was clear the superiority of women. And in the same breath, I also wanted to be deeply loved by men. And I was, but, I wasn’t always aware of it.
If a man wanted to help me put my coat on I would berate him - I’m capable of doing it myself. If he wanted to help me with my bags - I’m strong enough to carry my own. If he wanted to open the door for me - I would eye-roll. If he wanted to give me advice - I would get huffy and say I’d never asked for it. What these modern day men were trying to do was provide for me in this modern day world.
Much of these ideas came from a deep anger and resentment on my part. Projected onto the men around me. I won’t go into the depths of it in this article, I’ll save it for the article where I explain how women’s wounds prevent them from having the relationship with men that they want. But it was a mixture of collective and individual wounding that prevented me from allowing me to feel loved by men and which created a barrier to allowing them in.
What I am going to share with you here is that we women do in fact need men. And, that great men want to be needed.
It’s really difficult to share this, and the reason being, for decades, feminism has taught us that we are equal, that as women we can have and do the same as men. And as though this might be and can be true, my question is, do we really want that? Deep down?
Yes, on a cognitive level we want to be respected as much as men. The work we do whether at home or in the office to be appreciated and valued. We want our opinions and thoughts to be acknowledged and not brushed under the carpet or spoken over. However, do we really want to put ourselves in the same shoes as men? In everything? All the time? Why do we want to show that ‘anything you can do I can do better’? Why do we have to compete? Why does it have to be a oneupmanship? Can’t we accept that maybe we are just different?
Many women I work with who are successful in their careers and very much in their ‘go, go, go’ energy at work, running board meetings or speaking to other business owners and in leadership roles, most often find that when they get home, actually, they would like their partner to take the lead. They would like their partner to use their initiative to organise a date, to plan, but as I shared in my last article ‘How to stop a great man from loving you’ it’s never enough, or done how we would want it. We micro-manage every area in work, then come home and micromanage there too, not trusting that they can do it. We have the desire to stay in control.
As much as this emasculates men, it also gives the message to them that they are not needed. And I hear many women say this too ‘I don’t need a man for anything’ - well if you don’t, why do you search a relationship with one?
What I see with my male clients, from my reading and also in my own experience of men is that men want to provide. It makes sense that biologically speaking as the stronger sex that they would provide protection and also food while the woman concentrated her energy on breastfeeding and looking after smaller children. These traits are instinctual within us. And I want to be clear here so I’m not misunderstood, that I’m not advocating women go back in the kitchen. What I am inviting you to do here is to recognise inherent qualities within us, determined by hormones and biological make-up and see how we can adapt these into modern day relationships, dating and also in the workplace too.
I want to be clear that I’m also not saying that women should stop working and building businesses. In fact female leaders in CEO positions and politically have some of the best results when you take a look at the data and break it down. Women make great leaders.
And we do that well because we are women. Not women trying to be men.
So how does what I’m talking about re providing apply to modern day life when women can provide their own food? When women can have their own careers and look after themselves? Women have built great networks of emotional support. They can watch a YouTube video on how to fix something in the house… no longer do we actually ‘need’ a man to come and do things for us. We’re all quite capable thank you very much.
What this means for modern day relationships with men is that we have to find ways that men can provide for us. We have to find out how men want to provide for us too. This means getting vulnerable. It means prioritising our own self-care, not running ourselves into the ground in a bid to show people we can ‘do it all’. It means softening. Learning to receive. Asking for help. And, without the fear of needing to give back anything in return except our very much heartfelt thanks and appreciation - because, believe it or not, a sincere and genuine thanks really touches the hearts of men.
I know so many women coming from backgrounds where they suffered abuse, built up their own empire so that they never again need to be in a situation of running away with nothing. So they have created a stable environment, completely independent so that they never need to be in a precarious position of running with nothing in their bank account back to their parents or a one bedroom apartment. However, this hyper-independence can in fact end up pushing men away.
And there are many other ways that we push them away… Confuse them… Put them down… Laugh at them… Get frustrated by them…
But do we really need to do it like we do?
We are treating men as if they’re the enemy. Telling them that they aren’t good enough and that they’re getting it wrong. All. The. Time.
We blame men for the system that we are in. A system that keeps us down and prevents us from moving further in our careers. For not appreciating the work we do in the home.
So we treat the individual men in front of us as if they are to blame for the system.
As though the individual in front of us is responsible for patriarchy. I can tell you there are plenty of women out there who don’t support the empowerment of women, who judge, who put down, who dim the light of other women, who compete - because of fear themselves of women rising. The patriarchal system continues because we are all contributing to it in some way.
For women to rise, we need to understand that it isn’t by putting men down, it’s about trusting the individual men in our lives with their own power. Knowing that in doing so it isn’t taking away from ours.
We make everything so difficult for men.
We want them to approach us for dating and then when we do, we get upset because we get approached when it’s the ‘wrong time’, or it’s the wrong way or ‘I’m out with my friends can’t they see I’m not looking for a date right now’.
Can we maybe just graciously say ‘thanks, but no thanks’, without the tutting, eye-rolling and huffing that hurts them?
We get upset when our male friends form feelings for us. I have been guilty of this too.
I had a male friend, Mick, with whom I was building a good friendship with. Then something one of his male friends said to me had me thinking that Mick may see me as potentially something more than a friend. I spoke to Will about it and he reminded me that I couldn’t control another person’s feelings. I was upset and disappointed that a guy who was a friend fancied me. Will made me understand that I had a lot going for me so why wouldn’t he be attracted to me - I’m fun, sociable, friendly, easy to talk to and attractive. Will said for me not to blame Mick for how he felt, you can’t help who you’re attracted to.
After some consideration, I came to realise that from my younger days male friends finding me attractive often meant me getting into trouble in some way and being told I was leading men on.
What would happen is that a guy would fancy me and I wasn’t fully aware. They would help me out and do me favours. We would spend a lot of time together having fun. They would eventually ask me out. I would say ‘no’ because I liked them as a friend but wasn’t interested in dating them, then I would be called by either them or their friends as ‘leading them on’, sometimes a dicktease if I was fun and flirty.
And so with Mick, when I got an inkling that maybe he might be attracted to me I invited him for a walk for a conversation. I explained to him my past and what used to happen. And I shared that a few things his friend had said that led me to the idea he might be interested. Mick told me he found me attractive physically and intellectually. That if I was single he would ask me out. I thanked him for being honest with me. A few weeks later when Will and I separated, I messaged Mick to let him know, but also made it clear that I still wanted to be friends but nothing further.
It was uncomfortable to bring this conversation. He could have said ‘no, I’m not interested’ and then I might have felt I was thinking too much of myself or come across as arrogant. But not having the conversation would have created confusion. Should I always wait for the man to bring up first how he feels and then deal with the aftermath of their disappointment it it’s a ‘no’? I don’t think any one person is responsible for anything. We can only be responsible for how we show up as individuals and for me, naming what I thought might be happening meant Mick and I got to create some boundaries and agreements. We both know where we stood.
The thing is, we need to as women not always be the ones who put it on men to get it right or wrong and get angry or disappointed when something happens that we don’t want.
We get upset as women when we start dating, we aren’t clear on our expectations ie marriage, children, living together, and when the other person doesn’t want that we then blame them, even though we never shared what we wanted in the first place.
We get upset when a man offers to buy us a drink if he finds us attractive.
Upset when we find out a friend fancies us.
And then on the other hand we complain that no one is asking us out. That there are no ‘good men’, how bad dating apps are and how men are intimidated by strong women.
But is it that? Or is it that in fact we have walls up?
Could it be that the whole time we are being closed off to men and giving them the frequent message that we don’t want or need them?
It’s extremely confusing for them.
And I completely agree too with those of you at the back saying that some men are persistent, don’t take ‘no’ for an answer, are completely inappropriate - I absolutely agree to all of that. But! This is not all men. It isn’t even most men. The majority of men have an idea of where the boundary is and what is respectful or not. And if they do miss the mark, let them know graciously. On the other side of your ‘no’ is a human being trying to figure things out as much as the rest of us how to do the right thing.
You see, the thing is, we women don’t understand enough our own power.
We need to own as women that we are attractive. If you take a look at the female form, it’s beautiful. How we move, how we speak and talk - we are enchanting. We underestimate the power that these qualities can have over men. We don’t realise to the extent we have power and choice just from being a woman.
In the animal kingdom it’s women who choose men. Men who strut and flaunt, who are the prettiest, who jostle for the female’s attention… She chooses the mate. In humans the woman’s egg chooses the sperm for conception. Not all male sperm is viable, some of those little tadpoles don’t have the job of racing for the egg, some of them are there to fight off the competition (yes, in ancestral times we women would have been sleeping with more than one man in a 72 hour period), our bodies chose the sperm and the sperm of other men fought each other in the battleground of the vaginal canal. In the animal kingdom, it is we women who choose. And we have lost this knowledge.
If now knowing that as a woman you are already in your power just for being you, how can you help a man stay in his power as you choose him?! Because allowing a man to feel powerful to have ‘won’ you through how he shows up to protect and provide allows him to feel powerful. And by provide I don’t mean financially - it could be building the flat pack furniture, doing the gardening, looking after you while you’re ill, making the meals, helping you with heavy bags, doing the shopping, opening the door for you…
The problem is, patriarchy has left us doubting ourselves. Feeling that we need to compete with other women for the attention of men. That we have to put men down and have some sort of power over them to feel chosen and if at any point they become too big for their boots we might risk losing them. But, what if it’s the other way round?
What if, by allowing a man to feel powerful, able to provide and protect we are giving him a purpose? What if instead of needing to be in control we could actually relax and allow a partnership to happen?
In truth, when we women are connected to our sensuality, playfulness, our mother archetype and are open to receiving, we are the prize that men are fighting over.
Sharing our appreciation and gratitude, letting them know how that has helped or supported us or how it has made us feel actually builds a sense of connection. I see it in my interactions with men, thanking the shop assistant and how he has made my day easier by checking the stockroom for an item - how his shoulders roll back and his chest puffs out. Showing appreciation to a male friend for supporting me in a recent operation and the smile on his face in having been there and supporting me through a worrying and difficult time.
What if by allowing men in, allowing them to help us and do things for us, allowing them to be needed, that we are in fact allowing men to fill the role for us that they so desperately want to.
I know some of you in relationship are reading this exasperated because they can’t get their partner to help out more around the house and feel like a nag, and I invite you to go back to the last article, ‘How to stop a great man from loving you’. If you go back and read, and be truly honest with yourself, are you really inviting a man to provide or emasculating him to remove his power?
How do you think moving forward that you could let men in?
How could you learn to receive and say ‘thank you’ without diminishing yourself or the gesture?
How could you invite men to rise and be in their power?
How could you begin the partnership that deep down, you so desperately crave?
Drop me an email and let me know hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Now read 'A Great Man Isn't A Perfect Man'
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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