We had had a big argument. It had been over a few hours that the harsh words and dark stare had been meeting me. He was really angry with me. Had called me names. Told me I was a bad girlfriend. How being with me was hard to deal with. He was angry and upset.
I had fallen into the familiar fawn pattern. I had stopped speaking up for myself because it only infuriated him further… trying to explain that what I said wasn’t meant in that way… trying to make it better… trying to find a way to have him calm down… trying to say the right things only made him more angry. The easiest thing to do was to keep quiet and wait for the temper to simmer down.
As bed time came around he was still angry but had stopped calling me names by this point. As we lay in bed I could feel the tension in his body from where I lay.
The next thing is he turned over and grabbed my vulva and started rubbing me. It didn’t feel loving. It felt rough and with anger still there. I was in shock. Not really sure what to do. I had lost my voice. I could feel my body tense. I noticed the familiar feeling of not being able to think clearly and access my thoughts.
He must have felt my rigidity because then he let go.
After a short period time I presumed he had changed his mind and noticed how tense my body was. I was not going to be able to sleep like this. I began breathing and on the exhale encouraged my body to relax.
As I was reaching a state of relaxation I felt his hand again. Not loving. Not tender. The body at the other end of the hand was angry. I could feel it.
He began rubbing me again. The full details of what exactly he was doing are blurry now but I remember it not being pleasurable. That he could not have been present, because if he was, he would have known that I was tense and frightened.
He moved me round and tried putting himself inside me, missing my vagina and going for my anus. Due to the pure fear of what might happen if he entered me there, angry and without lube, I pushed him down into my vagina.
At which point he pushed me onto my front. Pushed his hand into my face. And with every thrust of his pelvis I felt I was being punished for our argument before.
I tried to see if I could find the turn on in this. Maybe I could find a way to enjoy it. But as he kept going and the silent anger building I felt more and more frightened.
I wanted to cry but I knew my tears upset him.
The act didn’t feel loving. It didn’t feel connected. It didn’t feel present. He had exited his body, and I was exiting mine.
I was afraid of saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’ for fear of what might happen next. I knew that putting up a fight could have the potential to cause more harm.
And so it came into my head, and I spoke the words:
‘Do you love me?’
At that point something in him switched off and he stopped. I can’t remember now exactly what he said in response. Something along the lines of ‘we shouldn’t be doing this’ or ‘this isn’t right’.
But he had stopped.
And I laid there in shock. Not quite knowing what had happened.
This happened to me in a past relationship. The only other person I shared this story with was my attachment coach. Now I’m sharing it with you.
Why now?
Because after my women’s event ‘Let’s Talk Sex’ this Sunday, after speaking with so many women 1-1 over the past few years of my work around their sexual issues, dilemmas and stories, it’s very clear to me that so many of us have allowed sex to happen when we haven’t wanted it to.
We come away confused. I know in that instance I was. I didn’t want to have sex. I was frightened. I didn’t know the safest course of action to get it to stop. I thought maybe I had encouraged it in some way. Tried to convince myself I wanted it because of what that might mean of my partner - things about him that I didn’t want to think.
When I had tried bringing my experience up with him, his response was ‘I wasn’t in the right place, you had put me inside you.’ I believe deep down he knew what he had done. He just couldn’t face it and admit it to himself.
And so as women we walk away from these situations thinking of all the ways WE did wrong in how we managed it. We take the responsibility. ‘If I hadn’t made him angry’. ‘I’m not meeting his needs’….
I’m here to let you know that your body is sacred. And your ‘yes’ and ‘no’ even more so.
I have women in my practice you can’t orgasm with a partner, who feel numb in their pussy, who feel dead on the inside, who have painful sex, who feel shut down… because they doubted their intuition. They doubted their body’s wisdom that this act, at this time was not wanted.
So they make excuses and defend the other at the cost and expense to themselves.
My invitation here is to know your truth. To speak it - with love and kindness. To give yourself the voice knowing that those who love you dearly will meet you in your truth. Those who can’t hear it, blame, you, put you down, have you walking away feeling broken and not good enough. Those people are not your people.
There are people out there willing to love you so preciously. Who absolutely see your value and worth. Who want to meet all the parts of you and hold you so tenderly.
You can access that, by letting go of the stories and people who don’t support your highest truth.
I want the women reading this to know that you deserve to have your bodies worshipped, adored, caressed and loved.
For the men reading this, if you are not able to be with your woman from a place of love, grounding and full presence then the best way you can love her is to let her find a man that can.
If you feel inspired to share your story about a time you allowed sex to happen to you when you didn’t want it to, or when you felt you haven’t honoured your body or intuition then drop me an email and let me know hello@carlacrivaro.com
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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