It’s been on my mind for a while now to write this article. Partly because I know that letting it go into the ether and releasing the shame will liberate me. And the reason ‘a while’ is the fear of judgement.
Theodore Roosevelt is quoted as saying:
"It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly.”
So this is me, stepping into the arena…
Shame. As I write those words I notice the heaviness in the chest, the tears fall, taking me already off the path of the words I had wanted to share on the page. The desire to share my shame and let the weight go has been plaguing me for some time now. Last week after attending a full day workshop by the fabulous Laura Pickerill and Lizzi Edgar around shame I got the opportunity to ‘test the water’.
During this workshop I got to share with women I had only met a couple of times something deep within me that I have been holding onto for fear of judgement. After the share itself there was a huge sense of liberation - and also celebration. Celebrating the fact I had let it go and survived.
Met with a few days later a ‘vulnerability hangover’. Have I shared too much? Are they judging me? Do they think I’m crazy? Do I sound like a victim?
Interspersed with the knowing that I am doing my best. That at the time I did the things that brought shame, I was doing the best I could with the resources I had for the situation I was in.
Another reason I wanted to share ‘my confessions’ is because I have coached a few different people recently around their own shame. Particularly around behaviours they have which they fear judgement of from others. So I write this article for those brave people - opening themselves to me in our sessions and showing them that shame is something we all choose to carry. As well as it being something we can all choose to let go of by doing the very vulnerable thing of sharing it. Brené Brown a researcher on shame puts it:
“If we're going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy's the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.”
And so, here it goes, my confessions…
When an ex-boyfriend was on a stag do (bachelor party for my US readers) in a city abroad I contacted some friends that lived there and asked if one of them would call his hotel room to see if he had a woman with him. The idea was that they would pretend to be looking for a friend that had gone off the night before and that possibly she could have ended up in his room after some searching for her. My idea was to see if I could catch him out.
The week he was away I had been doing some intense training around men’s sexuality. I was up at 3am for calls with Australia, having little sleep, by myself in my boyfriend’s house, with content that was designed to be triggering. And it was. During one particularly difficult container a sex worker had shared about how promiscuous the exact city my boyfriend was in was - it tipped me over the edge and my anxiety went through the roof and I couldn’t calm myself. I didn’t want to reach out to him while he was away and ruin his holiday, and I was struggling with the lack of communication (which my logical part understood, it made sense he was away). I was struggling with staying calm as our conversations before his trip I had felt invalidated by my sharing my fears - he was angry that I didn’t trust him and that he was upset that his past was haunting him and he couldn’t let it go (he had been unfaithful to his kids’ mum more than once and wanted to leave his old self in the past).
When I shared with my friends in the country he was visiting what I had wanted to do but not been able to do - because rightfully so they didn’t feel comfortable with it I had an appointment with my attachment coach, Brenda. Now I pay Brenda to be a guiding, safe space for me to share myself with, to hold my deepest upset and support me in healing my inner-child. And, to also hold me accountable and to give me honest feedback so that I can be the best version of myself. So when she said to me, ‘is this relationship safe enough for you to be in if you are resorting to stalking?’ I felt myself almost shrivel up. Stalking? That felt like a strong word. Stalking? Crazy people do that. How had I got here? How had my nervous system became so dysregulated that this action seemed like a good idea?
So here’s the thing, the shame isn’t just in the act of ‘stalking’ (although that’s huge and pretty embarrassing) the shame, the biggest part of it comes from the fact that I talk about and coach women on empowerment.
That I invite women back to trusting themselves. To fully loving themselves.
And I was not doing that for myself.
How had I ended up in a relationship that was so unsafe for me that all my deepest wounds were being triggered and I had allowed myself to stay there? When friends were saying to me ‘where has Carla gone? The strong empowered woman we know? We don’t recognise you!’
What do I mean by trusting myself? At the beginning of the relationship with that ex I had certain needs met that hadn’t been met with my ex-husband. Shiny, sparkly needs - the fun stuff. The dopamine hits. There were signs early on with my ex-boyfriend that this relationship wasn’t going to be right for me and my own nervous system which I had begun to know so intimately after overcoming chronic anxiety.
I remember a conversation in a coffee shop meeting his kids’ mum and her sharing his back and forth on whether or not he wanted to be friends with her. She seemed really cool and indifferent about that. Navigating with ease his push and pull of wanting to be friends to the next moment rejecting her. Her nervous system is able to sit with that push-pull and be OK with it. I had learnt from doing my own inner-work, that this wouldn’t bode well for me - but due to the sparkly fun stuff, I chose to ignore the signs. I wasn't showing up for myself in a way that meant I was creating trust for myself.
What I should have understood in that moment that this push and pull would soon be making its way to me. And it eventually did. Pull in close then if something happened which upset him there would be a withdrawing of love or affection.
You see, I know my attachment style - anxious. And I know that behaviour like this triggers my nervous system into a super anxious state. Not even being able to share with him my experience around his pattern had me feeling more isolated. It’s at this point that I should have left. Instead, I stuck around, hanging on for the next dopamine hit. The next fun experience. The next connection.
It came.
And then it went again next time I spoke up for myself or asked something of him.
Him withdrawing with anger and blame aimed at me.
Now I want to be clear here that I’m not the victim in this. Although my desire is to put myself in this position. To point the finger and blame. I need to take full responsibility for my role in staying in something that I knew that wasn’t good for me.
So the deep shame of being in a relationship that triggered my most fearful parts of abandonment. The shame of staying with someone who couldn’t hold my fears, shares and vulnerability.
The shame of being a person who supports women to leave their relationships when they no longer serve them - and I did. During my relationship with this man, I was guiding women to their truth and their courage, and I couldn’t do it for myself.
I was feeling like a fraud.
Weekly meetings with peers turned into my sharing time taken up and being consumed by this relationship. What could I do to change? To make it better? I was getting coaching and buying books. Trying to find all the ways to change who I was to make it work.
I feel shame that we broke up 7 times (that I can count) in a 2 and a half year relationship. Sometimes I told people we had broken up, other times I didn’t. A part of me knowing we would get back together and knowing this was a pattern we had created. A male colleague who works with men to become better leaders and show up more in their relationships had shared with me that he and his partner had separated nine times in a ten year relationship. That was affirming that such a great well-known men’s coach also had his struggles, however my ex criticised him and ‘how could he lead’ - I think failing to miss we were not far off the same number. Also missing the fact that everyone struggles - even those of us who are leading and guiding others.
When I eventually broke the relationship in August so many friends and colleagues celebrated my strength because they knew what it had taken for me to get there. I remember feeling liberated from it all. I had sent a video to some groups of me dancing my celebration in finally choosing to do the right thing for me. I wrote an article about my decision to go celibate for a year.
And then here’s the next piece. Within 2 weeks we were back together. I felt shame for getting back together. That after sharing the article people wouldn’t take me seriously. That I would be seen as a fraud. How can I talk about going celibate, showing up for myself and then retreat back into a relationship where I had abandoned myself?
I chose to leave the weekly peer meetings out of pure embarrassment, they had been so happy for me that I had chosen to look after myself, I was too embarrassed to tell them I had gone back.
Comments from his friends asking ‘how is the celibacy going’ exacerbated my feelings of shame even further. Feeling like a joke. My ex had said to me more than once - ‘how can we be struggling so much if you’re the expert, Carla’. I took that as my story until Brian, an 80 year salsa dancing partner who takes me and my boys out on adventures in the Lake District said ‘relationships are hard and you need to put effort in to make them work’. I chose to take make this my story. That in the future find a partner who can lean into the conflict rather than back away and withdraw.
So the shame of being in a relationship that I couldn’t make work, even with the tools and skills that I have helped other individuals and couples with, I couldn’t seem to make them work in my relationship.
Who would listen to someone who can talk the talk but is failing quite badly?
I felt shame for falling into the same trap every woman does - that I guide other women against doing. Instead of accepting him for who he is and how he shows up I was adapting myself and/or trying and make him change. Upon reflection I should have focused on improving the regulation of my nervous system, share vulnerably with a full heart, and still if he couldn’t hold it, move on.
When we get to a place of such dysregulation that we haven’t experienced in another relationship (for example in my marriage) it’s a sign that something needs to drastically change or we aren’t meant for each other. In my marriage I had got used to bringing a fear/worry, it being listened to and then walking away feeling good. Doing this was one of the tools which had helped me overcome my chronic anxiety. I talk about that here and here.
In a Facebook group where women share about their infidelity fears around men, the moment the women get to the point of stalking and some women checking their partners’ phones and can’t share their fears or ask their partner for an explanation, then it’s clear the relationship no longer in their highest good. Instead we stick around.
You see, we stick around trying to change them instead of accepting them. His kids’ mum was able to be in full acceptance of how he showed up. She also shared that if someone wants to be with you they will. Sage advice that I knew already and in the moment we had the conversation in the coffee shop I was embodying but chose to ignore it when things got more difficult between me and him. I chose to keep going even though his actions were not what I wanted from a relationship.
I feel like a fraud. I have helped men and women find the confidence to walk away, or lean into their relationship, to regulate their nervous system, and so much more but I find it difficult to do it myself.
I’m choosing to take the stance and have as my current affirmation around all of this, as one person pointed out - my full range of experience non-monogamy, marriage, divorce, having kids, dating, issues with my ex, etc helps me transfer my learnings to my clients. I can become a better coach, facilitator, space holder AND have oodles of compassion for my clients when they too struggle to get it right and make the decision that serves their highest good.
But then there is this deep sadness and heaviness that I can’t get it ‘right’.
So I’m focusing on being the best I possibly be can be with a rich life and great relationship with friends and kids so that when I meet someone I won’t abandon myself.
My fear is falling back into the same pattern with someone. My attachment coach, Brenda has faith in me. Now I know what safety feels like (ex-husband with whom I have a great relationship and live with part of the time) and what it doesn’t. I have learnt what my needs are in a relationship - and if someone can’t meet them, that’s OK, I don’t have to turn myself into awkward shapes to try and fit into what makes them more comfortable. With my self-awareness I trust myself not to make the same mistake again.
The people who know me and my relationship struggles and of course my clients see and respect me for how I show up. That I am honest and open about where I find things difficult. And in a recent women’s networking meeting I was met with so much love in the room as the women shared how much they admired my willingness to speak openly and share.
And so it’s for this that I continue to do so.
I’m grateful too, to my teacher Layla who has been guiding people for over 20 years and still expresses her struggles in relationships. That her perfectly imperfect relationship to herself and her partner is a constant area of growth for her too.
So here I am.
Exposed.
Vulnerable.
Showing you who I am.
And as I hold the the fear of judgement from people about me ‘being a fraud’, l also hold the deep knowing that there will be people reading this inspired to be more courageous. To share themselves more deeply. So that they too can call in the people who really care and really see them.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
Other resources which are supportive around this topic are:
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