I sat near the altar wearing a long white dress with a slit all the way up to the thigh. Not wearing underwear, I wanted to feel the dress touch every part of my body. My crystal necklace, malachite ring and vulva earrings adorned me to mark the importance of the process I was about to experience. Keeping me warm I had my faux fur gilet with hood. I wore my hair down, ringlets cascading around my shoulders and the silkiness of my face did not need make up. I felt like a Celtic priestess - elegant and wild.
I whispered my intentions into the warm cacao…
Power
Ferocious love for myself and other women
Open heart
Meeting my voice and speaking my truth
Eros
I closed my eyes and allowed myself to be taken by the sweet tones of the music. A nervous giggle wanted to release itself but my unease of being the only one laughing I held it back. We had been told by the facilitators that all physical and verbal expressions were welcome. Even with this invitation I still noticed my fear of interrupting another’s process. Of making my experience smaller to not affect another’s.
I asked the facilitator, Kate, over and explained my concerns. She invited me to laugh with little quips and comments.
It started with a giggle. The realisation of the ridiculousness of it all. Of life. The cosmic joke. That everything is so serious when really it’s just moments of time passing through us and around us. My body beginning to shudder with mischievous tension. I allowed myself to open my mouth a little wider and the laughs started pouring out. Conscious that I was the only one laughing and feeling a little shame my body closed up and the laughter stopped.
I noticed my desire to drop open my mouth and groan. Remembering my intention of meeting my voice I allowed the groans to leave from deep within my chest. My body moving with each exhale. Rippling.
As the movement and sound moved through me I noticed sensations shifting within my chest and a wave of grief began moving through me. I allowed the tears to make their way down my cheeks.
I laid down on my side and brought my knees to my chest and wept. The sadness overwhelming me. My intention for the weekend was to move on. I hadn’t wanted him to be the focus at all. I wanted the weekend to be about me, my next steps and what I wanted to create. A ritual earlier that day I had released him, only when I had heard another woman releasing hers.
It’s why my intentions for this process were so focused on me and my relationship to other women.
I found instead that he came to me. Not my imagination or a desire of him to be there. It was his higher self. I knew it was his higher self because all I felt from him was love. Pure, divine love. Without any of the expectations put upon me. Without me needing to be different or change. I could feel his full acceptance of who I was and love radiating from him that I found myself settling into the space with ease. Knowing that I was held. That his grounded presence was there to support me.
Again another wave of grief. Why couldn’t it have been like this in this realm? In this three dimensional plane? The grief moving my whole body as I gave myself permission to wail and sob. No holding back on sound or movement. Being completely present in my process.
An old grief made itself known. I had had such a strong desire to be seen in our relationship. For him to see my emotional vulnerability and expression as a strength. That my willingness to go dark and deep was a sign of my resilience, not weakness. I wasn’t afraid to feel it all and share my process of it. He had found this too challenging and said it had been ‘too much’.
The old grief and desire had been for me to be seen in my power. I had wanted him to see me give birth. Having had two children and the power that lies in a woman’s ability to listen to her body and move with the contractions. I had so strongly wanted him to witness me in that. A deep longing to be seen in that way. I grieved for the lost opportunity. I sobbed.
Hearing the giggles from across the room it pulled me out of my grief and I joined the laughter which reverberated around the room. Opening my eyes the room was warm and glossy. A softness to the space,
I turned onto my back, knees bent and legs open. I let my dress fall to the side without any concern that others may see my pussy. I was loving myself ferociously. Allowing myself to just be.
Sweet music brought me back to my body…
(Music here) I knew it would end this way
Two broken hearts on a rainy day
There isn't much left to say
We both know it's time for us
To go our own way
Surrender to this moment
There is no one to blame
There is no right or wrong here
Only lessons in love and pain
We did what we were meant to do
I was me and you were you
Finally ready to see this whole thing through
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I could feel an ache in my knees and hips. Circling them to the music. Allowing the sweet tones to wash over me and move through me. Sounding the pain and sadness as the lyrics seemed to speak directly to my heart.
Thoughts of - why couldn’t you just do it? Why did you push me away? Why wouldn’t you let me love you?
Love the one who judges
Love the one who lies
For they are the one who's hurting
Deepest down inside
Truth is found in the moments
When we come back to ourselves
When we ride the waves of emotion
Instead of getting caught in the swells
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I love you
I groaned and rocked my pelvis back and forth. Thoughts - I tried so hard and you wouldn’t let me in. Why couldn’t you do it?
Weeping.
I know you didn't mean to hurt me
I know you are in pain
For the times I was hurting
I hurt others
I wanted them to feel the same
When I go into the heartache
I dive as deep as I can go
And I end up at the bottom
Face to face with my very own soul
It says, "I've been here all along"
And then it smiles at my surprise
For all I had to do was come right back inside
His higher self looking at me with love. Feeling the expansiveness of my love to him. Feeling so held and witnessed. Fully accepted. His higher self seeing my beauty in the pain.
So thank you for this breaking
And thank you for this pain
For without you in my life
I may not be finding myself again
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you, ooh
Love, it doesn't go away
It lives right below the fear and the pain
So I fill my heart with my very own love
And I radiate it out below and above
I send it to you in abundance and wealth
For I know that to love you
I must first love myself
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
I'm sorry
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you
The intensity of the ache in my knees and hips increasing. I called Kate over again. She massaged my knees. The touch bringing delightful pleasure that I wasn’t expecting. A softness and gentle vibration running from my toes to my pussy.
The pleasure began to subside and the aching in my hips called my attention. I had to stand. Kate helped me to my feet and there she held me. I noticed my jaw tight and loosened it, as I did I noticed my pelvis was tight and loosened that too. I stood, knees bent slightly, swaying and groaning. I was labouring my grief. I remembered this position from the birth of my second child. The swaying, the groaning, the opening of the pelvis. I was in labour. I allowed the sound to leave my open throat. An open throat is an open pelvis. I remembered this and trusted my body’s process.
After some time I noticed that the ache had moved to my lower back, the sadness had moved and I got on my knees, leant against the wall while Kate massaged my lower back. His higher self was there with me. Telling me how much he loved me and how powerful I was. How he saw my strength and felt honoured to be supporting me through the process.
The waves of sadness that were trapped moved through me. The sobbing and wailing as I bared down on the grief. It felt in that moment that the grief passing through me wasn’t just mine, it was the shared grief of my female ancestral line and also that of all women.
The deep painful sadness. And instead of being shut down and told to stop, he welcomed it and encouraged my expression with an open heart. How much he loved me and was in awe of my process - in awe of me honouring my truth and listening to myself.
Thoughts - why couldn’t he have done this? Why now? I’m so angry, frustrated and disappointed with you.
And he held it all, because he understood.
I lay on my side again sobbing.
The sobs began to fade and a new song brought me to awareness…
(Music here) I surrender the known for the magic to unfold
I surrender the old for the new
I surrender the ways that have held back my days
Of living my prayer for truth
I call in my prayer, it is simple and clear
It wants me to give and receive love
I call in the light to make everything right
And show me the way to just be love
And show me the way to just be love
I lay again on my back. The room warm hues as the notes floated through the air. The sensuality of the music and my body intertwining.
I surrender the known for the magic to unfold
I surrender the old for the new
I surrender the ways that have held back the days
Of living my prayer for truth
I call in my prayer, it is simple and clear
It wants me to give and receive love
I call in the light to make everything right
And show me the way to just be love
And show me the way to just be love
Warm tingles gliding through my body. My legs open willing him to take me. I felt soft, sensual and receptive. The glow of oranges and warm colours in the room dropping me further into my senses. My pelvis moved forward inviting him in. Groaning, my arms stretched behind my head as my back arched with desire for us to become one.
I surrender the known for the magic to unfold
I surrender the old for the new
I surrender the ways that have held back the days
Of living my prayer for truth
I call in my prayer, it is simple and clear
It wants me to give and receive love
I call in the light to make everything right
And show me the way to just be love
And show me the way to just be love
In my snotty messiness I felt sexy. Ethereal. Goddess like. Strong. I noticed my heart was open. I felt powerful in my grief process. Rapturous pleasure sprinkled itself through me. My tussled hair falling round my shoulders and framing the tenderness of my face, I invited him in and he took me. I wept, my heart open and the tears of love trickled down my face. I groaned with ecstasy as we were absorbed and became one.
I surrender the known for the magic to unfold
I surrender the old for the new
I surrender the ways that have held back the days
Of living my prayer for truth
I call in my prayer, it is simple and clear
It wants me to give and receive love
I call in the light to make everything right
And show me the way to just be love
And show me the way to just be love
Becoming one the grief poured through me again and he made love to me as the ecstatic bliss and grief became one and the same. Nothing needed to change. Nothing needed to be different. It was perfect as it was.
I moved my pelvis sensually to his rhythm and felt the waves of pleasure move right through me. I allowed my voice to share the pleasure moving through me. He told me how proud he was of me and I saw the truth of that in his eyes.
There was laughter again rippling through the room and I joined in. Bringing me out of the love making.
As my giggles and laughter settled I noticed that he had gone. What was left in my body was expansion. Pleasure. Post orgasmic tingles. My body feeling sensitive to touch. A rose I had been given I gently stroked over my breasts, down my neck. I ran the tips of my fingers over my thighs. The sensitivity of my skin was electric. The slightest touch felt erotic and powerful. My body feeling on the verge of climax.
I dropped deeper into full presence and as my process was coming to an end I noticed how I was feeling…
I felt a deep primal love for myself. I felt beautiful beyond measure and it felt like light shone from me with radiance. This felt untouchable, that no one could say or do anything to take this feeling from me - it was mine.
I began to fully notice the other women in the room and seeing them individually noticing their varied expressions, my already open heart expanded further to take them in.
I saw them fully. Beautiful creatures of the full expression of femininity in all its shapes, sizes and emotional releases. All of it so welcome to me - a protective love for them.
I continued to sound everything that I was experiencing without any shame or self-judgement.
And I felt in that moment what feminine power was. It was soft, tender with a deep emotional landscape, holding the world in love. I felt feminine power like that of a feline - loving caring, strong boundaried, seductive, queen energy of receiving fully and quick to protect while keeping an open-heart.
I was realising that I had met my intentions. The journey there had not been the one I had expected or imagined.
I gave myself permission to be with every part of me. Every pain. And through the pain, traversing the grief and sadness I was able to access bliss and pleasure unimaginable.
It became clearer that shutting down my most raw and vulnerable parts, the ones deemed by others as ‘too much’ had numbed my pleasure. Had dimmed my light. The depth of my pain were actually the gateway to the deepest experiences of sensual elation. Receptive to the gentlest of touches to take me to not a climatic state but more a constant state of feeling of oneness, love and bliss. It is being with the dark that we fully experience the light.
My experience had also taught me that we don’t always need to be witnessed and seen by those who don’t have the capacity to do so, we can call in their higher selves or find a place within us to do that for us. Yes, for deep intimacy to happen in relationship then witnessing of the whole self is essential - but letting go of the disappointment and moving on from that which does not serve, such as a relationship that can’t meet those needs, one can move on and give it to oneself.
For wholeness comes from knowing you can meet yourself and then choosing to have those needs met by others.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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