I see it often when I”m out and about. Or, I read the comments amongst women on a Facebook group or chat.
I’ll be honest I used to do it too. In very obvious ways. And what I have come to realise recently - I do it in less obvious ways too. I’m unlearning a pattern and a way of being that I have learnt from the women around me growing up. Also, it’s something that, living under patriarchy, I felt entitled to do. There is also, of course, an element of my own wounds and conditioning that have influenced me to do it.
And what I’m beginning to realise and notice, from my work, from study and reading, is that this pattern and behaviour is connected to my internal stories, my misunderstandings and also copying - by copying I mean - staying ‘in the club’ with women. Staying ‘in the club’ so I’m not exiled from women and remain part of the ‘them vs us’ crowd. After all the greatest rulers ever lived (including current propaganda) understand that by creating an enemy, we then find our tribe that we cling to dearly, to feel ‘safe’ and to get a sense of belonging.
But! This pattern and behaviour is not only causing myself pain - it is also causing great pain to others too.
I’m going to share with you over a series of articles with some very great realisations.
This article is for the women who want to learn from my pain, my mistakes and my loss and that want to do differently so that they get to live a rich and fulfilling life in partnership with their man. It’s all sounding very cryptic right now, so, let’s start from the beginning…
We get into a relationship with a man, who shows up in all the ways (at least most of the time, no one is perfect). He organises dates, he offers to pay, he thinks about our needs, he ‘makes us feel loved and cared for’ and really shows up. We’re grateful to have met a guy like this. Then overtime something changes and shifts. You may find some, or all, of these things begin to happen…
He gradually stops doing what he used to.
Maybe the sex becomes less and not as fun and passionate - more mechanical. Sex is more about going through the motions than actually an opportunity for fun or connection. Your needs aren’t met in the same way. You either don’t want it anymore, it isn’t fun, or you take what you can get when you can get it.
Certain resentments can grow on both sides and it can feel like you are are in an energy of ‘taking’ to get what you want because it isn’t being offered or given. This can be in relation to chores around the house, time spent together, etc. You begin to feel like a ‘nag’ always demanding something because no matter how much you try he just doesn’t seem to understand what you want and need - in fact sometimes he does the exact opposite leaving you frustrated or angry, resentful, and feeling unloved and not respected.
You may also notice that he becomes distant - whereas once he may have shared how he felt and his worries or concerns there begins a withdrawal or shut down. A holding back of information, maybe less vulnerability. He may start lying or holding back on information - mainly on his part due to a lack of safety of how that might be held.
He may begin with ‘one-upmanship’ - a type of competing. Instead of celebrating you and supporting you for your achievements, he makes passive aggressive comments or ‘steals your thunder’ by sharing when he did better or comparing his current situation in a way that makes you feel ‘less than’ and ‘inferior’.
It could be that he starts doing less around the house, it feels like you have a child who creates more mess and chaos that contributes. The frustration increases and you feel like a constant nag. He becomes more and more reluctant to contribute and everything seems to feel like an effort from him and you feel upset that he doesn’t seem to notice or care how much you do. Within this he makes ‘mistakes’ in what he’s doing and it never seems to be right.
The spark seems to have gone from the relationship, he doesn’t seem to want to spend as much time with you. He definitely has given up on organising anything and any time you suggest he organise something you see him recoil in discomfort or there are objections to him doing that for whatever reason he gives. When he does organise something there isn’t the care and attention there and it feels last minute. Small details aren’t thought of and it seems more a ‘going through the motion’ rather than an excitement of wanting to do this for the two of you. He prefers instead maybe to spend time by himself, be at work, do his hobby or spend time with friends. You become less and less of a priority.
He seems less and less interested in your emotional world. More frustrated in some way. Your shares seem too much for him. Overwhelming sometimes and he prefers to distant himself from your emotional experience whereas once upon a time he used this as a way to get to know you better. This leaves you feeling rejected, uncared for and lonely in the relationship.
He stops having drive or ambition. He seems more interested in just sitting around watching TV. No interest in a career or moving forward in life. Possibly once interested in a hobby or living a full life, it seems that he is just coasting along until the inevitable happens. His posture becomes heavy. No sense of purpose or something to strive for. Or, on the other hand, he becomes so work focused that you (and the family if you have one) become second to his work and career goals. He is frequently out of the house and is always able to find something else to do and to strive for that isn’t related to you in anyway, whether that is a hobby, work, friends, or other. It’s clear that home isn’t where he wants to be.
There will be other signs that things have changed. You may see some or all of them here, and likely you will have your own. These are the ones I saw in my own relationships and those of my clients.
You see.. what you have now, is not what you started with. And, what I have come to learn - it isn’t because men ‘change’. It isn’t once they’ve ‘got you, they give up trying’. No, it isn’t that. Instead, what it is, you have a good man. You just taught him to stop loving you.
How could I stop someone from loving me? All I do is ask and I never get.
When you first got together, you likely didn’t even need to ask, or if you did, your wish was granted - most of the time.
So what happened?
You began emasculating him.
What is ‘emasculation’? The dictionary describes it as:
noun
The act of depriving of virility, or the state of being so deprived; castration. Similar: castration
The act of depriving, or state of being deprived, of vigour or strength; unmanly weakness.
Loss of power and masculinity.
And with that emasculation, you have taught him, that his energy of loving, protecting and providing for you is best served in now protecting himself FROM you.
You may be thinking to yourself, but I don’t do that. I don’t remove his power. He has the power because he is the breadwinner, or he is the one who is the gatekeeper to his time,…his lack of emotional or physical support is what takes MY power and energy. And yes, while there is an element now of not feeling balanced in the relationship, and it not feeling ‘fair’. It got here because through words and actions he began to learn he ‘wasn’t enough’.
So now that I’ve caught your attention, I’m going to pause here. And once you have digested what your relationship was and what it has become, I will then share how you did it. How I did it. How unknowingly I caused by my own pain, I created distance and stopped men from loving me.
I will share with you HOW we emasculate our partners. And, as a result we push them away and lose their love.
I will share it in ‘How to stop a great man from loving you’.
Carla Crivaro is a trauma-informed and certified Sex, Love & Relationship Coach, she works with men and women internationally to reach their goals in delicious sex, profound love and authentic relationships. Carla helps men and women understand themselves and each other, sexually and relationally, in and out of the bedroom. You can reach her at hello@carlacrivaro.com.
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